By Faith Ote Uchara
Embracing chastity in our confused, pleasure-maximizing world and starting to foster it is not an easy task. But it is essential for us to see chastity as a beautiful virtue that allows us to discover who we are and what we are.
Let me quickly put it here that whenever the word chastity is mentioned, people often think it’s only about abstaining from sex until you are married, but it goes beyond that. It is much more; it is a virtue that incorporates the whole of human sexuality and allows us to live it correctly. Now, when one tries to explain this to the people of this secular society of ours, one ends up performing a mammoth task. That is because our world today does not believe in the possession of this virtue. So, you can imagine what society builders need to go through in order to make sure that our society is wholesome and free from errors, not just for it to be safe for us to dwell in, but for generations yet unborn.
Before one decides to be chaste in all forms of relationship–especially sexual, there are things that such an individual must consider, and that is what this conversation is all about.
Friendship is very fundamental in the maintenance of chastity. You really need to be friends with the one you claim you love. It will be a herculean task to maintain wholesome relationship with one that you are not friends with. As friends, you protect each other’s interest and purity. Friends love each other and are ready to work to improve each other for the better. So, friendship is vital in the attainment of chastity in relationships.
Then, as people in relationships; be it romantic or otherwise, you really need to know yourselves and establish what you want. It is very disheartening to see young ones today, who do not know what they want. These young ones are easily tossed to and fro, because they lack conviction for anything. If you’re in a relationship and you do not know and establish what you want, you will end up living a life without purpose. For people in relationships, know what you want and abide by it. And if at the long run one is not ready to abide by that conviction, there is no harm in walking away.
Conversely, you really make use of your initiative. It is not everything that you need to be told before you will understand. This part goes directly to our ladies. I do not know who bewitched us that we cannot be rational, that we cannot make use of our logical ability. How can you say that, because you are a woman, you cannot make use of your initiative?
I hear a lot of women saying that since their husbands are their heads, they will wait for the men to make the decisions. Really? But these women know exactly the kind of exquisite fashions that they can die for. So, my question is, if you can make use of your initiative for fashion, why can’t you make use of it for what will change your life for the better?
Chastity in relationship can only be achieved when people share their values and come to agreement. Two cannot walk together except they agree, right? So, you will really need to agree on what you will stand by, and adhere to it, strictly.
Raising the bar is another way to maintain chastity. Going beyond the ordinary is just what this is about. A lot of us tend to lost track of chastity when we try to indulge our partner’s weakness on the basis of ‘that’s how they are’. Who told you that man cannot change? The only constant phenomenon is change, so, it is not out of place for you to raise the bar and work towards attaining the height. A lot of ladies try to overindulge their partners by saying stuffs like “he is a man and, as such, he will definitely cheat” or “he said without sex, he will leave. So, I have to accept because, after all, he will marry me”. Can you recall the number of ladies who have gone to their graves because they refuse to raise the bar? Listen to me, relationship is all about building, and if your partner refuses to be built, let them go and make the best of what life they choose. A lifetime is too long to endure nonsense.
Humour and inteligence are vital keys in your relationship. I really love my Coach. Oh goodness! That man is just the dream of any sane woman. Often times, we will have conversations and he will tell me that every man love an intelligent woman, and I will tell him that women too love intelligent men. The thing here is, being intelligent goes beyond being educated, and it has nothing to do with being ‘serious’ always. Some men are so intelligent that they see being humorous as against their ethics. They always walk about with long face because they believe that intelligent people are not the playful types.
Well, being intelligent also means that you have to possess the ability to make people laugh. A time will come when in all of your seriousness, you will need a lively atmosphere and if you do not permit humour in your intelligence, how will you achieve that?
In relationships, getting to know each other’s family and friends is very important. I can already see my gender jumping for joy. Getting to know your partner’s family and friends has nothing to do with being entitled to them. How do I mean? Most ladies, as soon as you take them to visit your families or friends, they will take it as automatic endorsement. Well, sister, you can visit a man’s family and becomes friends with all his friends, but you will still not end up together. The thing here is, do all you can do whenever you are in any relationship, leave the rest that you can’t do.
Learning to listen to each other is also key. Ladies are talkers, no doubt, but it does not mean that they don’t have ears. So, being chaste also means having the capacity to listen intelligently, so that you can give valid judgments on issues that pertain to life in general.
Ask anything you don’t know. Do not assume you know all. Men are always caught up in this web of ‘I know all’. Asking questions does not reduce your masculinity, sir. He who asks questions seeks for clarity, and such people hold sound conversations because they are enlightened.
Whatever you know that you cannot put up with for a lifetime, do not tolerate it. I, personally, detest it when an individual ends a phone call on me in the middle of a conversation. No matter how angry you are, do not try to knock me out of a conversation. I feel highly disrespected once that happens. So, what I do is, I take it so seriously once you do that to me. Just imagine me in a relationship and my man tries that then, I will ignore it because I love him? That cannot happen. It is very good to know what you can and cannot take for a lifetime, then, deal with it properly.
The conclusion of the matter is, ‘do not forget your spiritual life, like the preacher says. No matter who or what you believe in, ensure you commit your relationship to Him for safety. Because in my religion, we believe that whatever we commit to Jesus’s hand is safe and secured. So, do not take light of your spiritual life in maintaining chastity in relationships.